Sunday, March 12, 2006

The 10 Style Commandments of Posh Spice

"Hello, Glamour? Posh here. I urgently need to write an article in your magazine about how everyone can be as glamorous as me. Yes, you heard me right. I am the shizzle and you bitches can learn alot from me."

Thank heavens Victoria Beckham has finally divulged her secrets of style to us mere mortals. I can't wait to pick up the next issue of Glamour and read on and on about how I too can look like a plastic Barbie doll with bad fashion sense. Okay, now that I got that sarcasm out of my system, I simply refuse dress like Posh. There have been too many instances where she has looked either like a clown or completely fake, or both. She can make even a simple jeans and t-shirt ensemble look bad. The most shock inducing piece in the whole article is that she shops at Gap Kids. Yes, Gap Kids!

"I like buying jumpers from Gap Kids and cutting them up because they're so fitted and can look really cool and Seventies-inspired. I also wear their T-shirts inside out with a pair of my jeans (Victoria designs for Rock & Republic) and a fabulous pair of sunglasses. For me that's a look that just can't go wrong."-Victoria Beckham

I think my fear of vomiting is beginning to disappear now. OMFGawd! Gap Kids???? The same store where my 8 year old niece shops? And what's with wearing the t-shirts INSIDE OUT? Is that a new fashion trend I don't know about?

I won't bore you with the entire list, you can read all about that in detail HERE or in the next issue of Glamour, but here's a little picture show about how Posh is not really listening to her own advice.

Rule #10- It's Fun to Experiment, but follow some Classic Style Must-dos

Like dressing like a hooker for a black tie event? (Please David, when your wife asks you "How do I look?" actually LOOK at her. Don't be like my husband, who won't even look at me and say, "You look great, now let's go, we're getting late!")

Rule #9- Trust in Few Faithful Opinions (Posh says she listens to her mother and sister)

But she's clearly not listening to her mother here. Posh, your mom is telling you that sweater looks like a self-replicating alien fetus. The rest of the outfit looks fine, although I'm not too sure I would wear boots with capris, but that sweater....dayum girl!

Rule #7- Dress From the Inside Out

This rule has nothing to do with wearing t-shirts inside out, but rather focusing on your undergarments. Posh says she relies on Calvin Klein T-shirt bras. Remind me never to buy those, ever. They show nip. I have a bra by Lilyette that has much better padding, and it only cost me $12. I do love her $35,000 Ostrich Leather Kelly bag though. I was about to buy one, but we got a Honda Odyssey instead.

Rule #6- Never Leave the House without Designer Sunglasses (a.k.a. Accessories are the Bare Necessities)

Sorry Vic, those make you look like you're either a fly or about to get a root canal at the dentist. I do agree accessories matter, but I personally don't buy designer sunglasses because I lose them very easily. If I don't lose them, my kids will find them and break them. I stick to the $10 designer-inspired cheapies and save the big bucks for the designer bags (did I mention I love handbags?).

Rule #1- Visualize Your Overall Look, and Then Pull the Pieces Together

What exactly was the "look" you were going for this day, Howdy Doody?


simply me said...

yay! first comment! oh, and no one check out my site, 'cause I only did like 2 posts and then gave up (i know i should get back to it..). Anyways, just wanted to let you know that you skipped from rule #6 to #1! what about everything in between?? great blog by the way!

keda said...

it is incredible how mr spice is soooo yummy and stylish (until he opens his mouth obviously but that is a recognised football disease), yet mrs is such a fugbag.
i do however also love the bag.... and i personally also 'do' big designer shades, but i have many airport ripoffs too which are fab. and i kinda dig the 'fetus' wrap too- it looks sooooo cuddly- and little miss spikey spice could do with something to make her a bit cuddly no?
the worst pic for me after the high class hooker look, was the airport. not only was the shiny cowgirl look naf, but her poor boys! dressing sibling the same is sooo last century. and yellow rugby shirts- good god woman.... i thought accessorizing was important- and kids are the perfect accessories. with that look i'd have gone for the kids in either tassles and feathers or head to toe fake fur at least!

keda said...

oooh and i also actually like seeing a bit of nipple action! having virtually no boobs to speak of but quite impressive nipples i use them as a kind of substitute. sorry to nit pick but what is the problem with nips? they are sexy. and they show willing. i often think it looks a LOT worse to see a very obvious bra thats trying to hide. and most padded bras looks very obvious!
love the blog though. and what can we say about mariah carey?? poor cow...

Chic Mommy said...

simply me- hon I skipped those on purpose. Aside from the obvious lack of time I had with three circus clowns destroying the house, I thought if people wanted to get more nauseated, they could click on the link I put inside the post (did you see it? It's hyperlinked before the picture show begins).

keda, I think both of these people are those "beautiful" people who should never talk, because once they open their mouth, the whole allure is gone and all you see is fug. I don't like to show nip, because unfortunately I've got DD's and I hate them. I don't wear anything that draws too much attention to the hooters. Bigger is not better. It's a myth breastfeeding makes them smaller, it doesn't.

Virenda said...

She looks like hell and the fact that she thinks she can give advice astounds me! She dresses awful, anyone remember the chaps?!

That sweater looks like a cancer growth. Oh and GAP KIDS?! MY GOD! She's tiny and I hate her.

opinionatedinjerzee said...

funny!! you always crack me up!! damn, is she really going to give fashion advice????

Leilouta said...

Those are fake nipples:)

Summer said...

T-shirt pic:
I think she has no bra on at all! If you want her bag, I could find a straw, blow her over and you could take it from her as she falls. he he!

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