Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Would You Like Astroglide With That?

It's amazing how much useless, but interesting, trivia I've acquired by reading old magazines in the bathroom. My most recent find is discovering that the concoction known as Cool Whip, one of my favorite dessert toppings since childhood, is actually just one step up from eating condom lube. Gross, and here all this time I thought it was a version of real whipped cream. I've even eaten it on it's own right out of the box with a big spoon!

According to the article in the April 2007 issue of Wired magazine (yeah, the magazine's been sitting in the bathroom that long!) Cool Whip is nothing but air, water, and sugar, rolled in with wax (yummy!), and a lubricant called Polysorbate 60, better known as a sexual lubricant and a key ingredient in Astroglide.

What else is in there besides this? Here's a list of the main ingredients in Cool Whip, as detailed in the article:


Natural and Artificial Flavorings (more artificial than natural, I'm guessing)

Corn Syrup and High-Fructose Corn Syrup (refined sugars guaranteed to make you fat)

Hydrogenated Coconut and Palm Kernel Oil (trans fats, not good for you)

Polysorbate 60 (hello astroglide)

Sodium Caseinate (a milk protein found in non-dairy creamers, not real cream)

Sorbitan Monostearate (sometimes used as a hemorrhoid cream)

Xanthan and Guar Gums (to keep it fluffy, like it was just whipped fresh when it really wasn't)

Umm, yeah. Aside from the water, not one ingredient on this list is something I'd like to consume on it's own, especially the hemorrhoid cream part. Ewww. I kind of regret having this newfound knowledge of Cool Whip, ignorance was bliss. Now that I know what it can double for, I'm going to have second thoughts before I ever make that "Pudding in a Cloud" recipe again. I think I'll just stick with Reddi Wip from now on. Even though Reddi Wip comes out of an aerosol can, at least it's made out of real cream.

photo credit: Thomas Hannich, Wired Magazine

Sunday, October 14, 2007

A Rant about Abercrombie and Fitch

If there's one store I absolutely loathe at the mall, it's hands down Abercrombie and Fitch. What is up with this crazy store? The one in my mall has all the faux windows boarded up and darkened from all sides, and plays music so loud you'd think there was a night club in there. What irks me the most is the pictures of all the nekkid teenage boys wearing unbuttoned shirts (or no shirts at all) exposing their hairless chests. That just seems inappropriate on so many levels. And don't even get me started on those low-rise jeans the models barely wear, jeans hung so low, they looks like they're about to fall off. Can this store scream "gay teen pron" any louder?

I know alot of teens think this store, and it's bastard son Hollister, are the shiznit, but I for one think the clothes at A+F suck. Point blank, the jeans look like they've been shot at with a rifle and all the shirts are frayed and worn looking. The price they charge for these rags is ridiculous too. I mean, who in their right mind thinks a pair of jeans that look like this are worth $80 bucks? I could get two pairs of jeans for this price that are far better looking at American Eagle.


So I finally found out what that smell is inside the stores. I walked up to a humor tee-wearing cargo pant-clad coed at the store this weekend and just asked him, "Excuse me, what is this smell in the store?"

"It's fierce." he replied.

I didn't know whether this was an adjective or a noun. Fierce?

Afraid of appearing not in the know, I used a little tact and asked, "How can I make my house smell like this?"

He still looked at me a little weird, but pointed me to the right direction. Fierce, I discovered, is the name of their cologne for the hardcore A+F man. The sales pitch for it goes like this:

"FIERCE's scent is an immediate attention getter and rightly so. Its fresh citrus aroma is the first aspect she'll notice because of its clean, poised attitude. However, it's FIERCE's warm musky subtleness that will naturally draw her curiosity because of its seductive nature."

Seductive? Yeah, right. It makes me wanna hurl.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Budda Call

This is a video you just have to hear. Priceless.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Drama at the Bus Stop

Sometimes you don't need to go looking for drama. Sometimes, it comes straight to you, at about 30 mph in a blue Mercedes. Yup, it's time to talk about my freaky neighbor again, Mrs. Gellar.

Get this, it was 80 degrees outside and humid when I was waiting at the bus stop this morning with my kids, Ross, Ross's nanny, and a few other moms and children from the neighborhood. I had dressed my son in just a t-shirt and jeans, appropriate clothing for weather like this. Most of the other children were wearing similar clothing, but not Ross. Poor guy was wearing a t-shirt, a sweater vest, and another long sleeved t-shirt over the sweater vest, with corduroy pants. Alot of clothes for a day that was only going to get hotter, don't you think?

Before I go on, to make a long story short, I got to know Ross and his nanny really well over the summer. I found out that the poor old lady is working as a live-in nanny to avoid being a burden to her children, and Ross is actually a pretty nice kid. We, meaning me and the nanny, often have playdates in my backyard when Mrs. Gellar is at work. Secretive, yes, but it's all good, and the kids have become great friends.

Anyway, I asked the nanny why Ross was wearing so many layers, isn't he going to get overheated?

She told me that his mother demands he wear all these layers to school everyday, because she's always cold herself. (I think my new nickname for Mrs. Gellar is going to be "Ice Queen" from now on.) The nanny said that she's actually thankful that the Ice Queen allows her to dress Ross in layers, because Ross can take the layers off once he gets to school. But he has to put them all on before he gets on the bus to go home, because if his mother happens to be home and catches him without his layers, he's toast and the nanny gets an earful.

Anyway, next thing you know Ice Queen is speeding down the road towards the bus stop in her blue Mercedes. The nanny sighs and says, "Oh, no!"

Ice Queen pulls up to the curb and yells to Ross, "Ross, get over here! NOW!!!"

The nanny replies, "Madam, I put his spring jacket in his backpack because..."

"You stay out of this!" the Ice Queen shouted, as Ross started walking towards the car. Make that running towards the car.

Ice Queen opened the door, and then THREW a winter coat at him!

"Wear it!" she screamed, and then sped off around the corner.

I couldn't believe what I had just seen. All the other mothers couldn't believe it either. The nanny shook her head and said, "This is what I have to put up with everyday, she's just temperamental." I think the word 'temperamental' was a little too kind. I believe the term 'fucking nuts' would be a little more accurate.

The other moms and I asked Ross if he was okay, and he said, "Yes, my mom just wanted to give me my jacket," after which the nanny ushered him to keep the jacket on until he got on the bus, because the Ice Queen was known to take a drive around the block and come back to check if he was still wearing it. This was obviously not the first time she had done this, as I learned from the other moms, but since I'm a newbie to the neighborhood bus stop scene, it was new to me.

Lucky for Ross, the bus arrived before Ice Queen did, and he got on with my son and the other children to the safety of school. As I walked back home with the nanny, I lent her an ear while she told me about how hard it is to be a nanny at her age, but she has no choice. She wants to be independent in her old age and doesn't want to have to live with her kids, or in a nursing home. But, she gets paid well to take the abuse, so she's dealing with it.

Cut to..... the screeching sound of a car behind the corner. Ice Queen was back! The nanny scurried home to face the music while I went back into the house with the twins. I was running as if I was the one in trouble, but it was actually the poor old nanny. All for trying to keep her little charge from overheating in the humidity.

I know no mother is perfect and we've all wigged out on our kids at some point (or several times a week) but in public, at the bus stop, where the entire neighborhood is watching? All because you wanted your kid to wear a winter coat in 80 degree weather? I don't even think PMS could justify that.