How To Use a Public Ladies Room 101

I continue to be amazed at how badly some women abuse public toilets. I did a little Google search to see if there was some "how to" guide on the net that could teach the bathroom impaired how to use a public toilet in America and leave it clean for the next person, and all I came up with was an article that explained The Art of Hover-Pissing (don't worry, the link is clean). This doesn't help matters much because I think half the problem in the public toilets is caused by hover pissers. There are very few women who have perfected this art of hovering over a toilet to pee, and there are even fewer women who actually clean the seat after they are done ruining it for the rest of us.

I personally don't believe in hover-pissing. If this is what you intend to do when you go to the ladies room, I think you should proceed towards the exit of the building and go squat behind the bushes outside. There really is no difference. When you hover-piss in a public toilet, chances are you are going to get the pee everywhere except where it belongs, in the toilet bowl, so please just stop doing this.

Short of starting a grassroots movement of WAHP (Women Against Hover-Pissing), I have decided to take it upon myself and write a "how to guide" of using a public toilet. Don't fear the toilet seat ladies, a recent 20/20 report revealed that the toilet seat is actually the cleanest part of the bathroom after the sink. There are more germs on your cubicle's desktop than there are on that seat. Most public bathroom facilities in office buildings and malls have a janitorial staff that cleans the bathroom everyday, and if we all just followed the bathroom etiquette rules I propose below, we could all enjoy a more pleasant and cleaner bathroom experience outside our homes. Especially those of us who are germaphobic and frequent the facilities with little children in tow.


Basic Guide to Using a Ladies Room


Step 1: Enter stall and close the door behind you. Hang your purse on the hook or place on a purse shelf (if provided). If there is no hook or shelf, hang it in the top corner crack of the bathroom door where the door meets the stall. The 20/20 report I linked above said the dirtiest part of a public bathroom is the floor, and you don't want to carry home the entire world's fecal mess on your handbag.

Step 2: Line the toilet seat with a seat liner. If no seat liner is available, use toilet paper. Use a long strip to cover the right and left side of the seat and a small one to cover the middle area in the front of the seat. Now you are ready to SIT DOWN and do your business.

Step 3: Clean yourself up and throw all the toilet paper in the toilet, not on the floor. Sanitary Napkins should be rolled in toilet paper and placed in the trash bin, not in the toilet.

Step 4: If you have made a mess on the seat despite having a liner, be kind and wipe it up with toilet paper. Throw the toilet paper in the toilet, not on the floor.

Step 5: Flush the toilet. If you are too afraid to touch the handle, use toilet paper as a barrier. Otherwise, use your foot to depress the flush handle. Over time, after you have gotten into the practice of flushing the toilet with your foot, you will notice an increase in your balance and agility.

We're not done yet.......

Step 6: After you have flushed and made sure the seat is just as clean as you found it, and is clean for the next person who will need to use the bathroom, slide your bag over your arm and proceed to the sink to wash your hands. And no, a two second rinse with water doesn't count. I request that you use soap and water and lather up your hands and rinse them under the water until all the soap is gone and your hands are clean. Dry your hands with the paper towels. The hot air blow dryer for your hands is unnecessary for germphobes, they redeposit germified bathroom air onto your hands. If you have happend upon a place that does not have soap, reach into your purse and use an antibacterial hand sanitizer. If you are a hardcore germphobe, you probably carry a travel size of these things with you at all times anyway.

Step 7: Use the paper towel you dried your hands with or the bottom of your shirt lapel to open the door handle to exit the bathroom. I know the 20/20 report said it is okay to touch the handle commando, but I continue to see hoards of women walk out of toilets without stopping at the sink to wash their hands. Or if they do stop at the sink, it's to rinse their hands under the water for two seconds and they don't use soap. It's so gross. So stay protected and use a paper towel to open that door!


Well, that's it girls. Seven steps to a cleaner bathroom experience. Because in the words of the great Samuel L. Jackson, enough is enough. I have had it with the motherfucking piss on the motherfucking toilet seats.