Why you should never think out loud in front of a three year old

My three year old son R is a sponge. The following is an example of why I need to stop thinking out loud:

One day, I was looking in the mirror and said, "ugh, I am so fat." My son replied, "Is that why you're all blowed up like a balloon?"

Another day I had a huge fight with the husband while he was at work and I was at home (where else would I be?) . He cut me off and said he needed to deal with more important matters at work and hung up on me. I was so angry I spoke out loud and said, "I hate him, he's such a jerk-off". My son, who was sitting in the family room playing with his legos replied, "No he's not, he's an asshole." (I've called the husband an asshole on several occasions in front of R thinking he didn't understand. I was wrong!) The husband came home later that night to hear my son calling him an asshole. Husband asked me why R is calling him an asshole? I said, "I don't know, he must have learned it from you!"

But the grand finale happened today, at my parents house. My daughter Z decided to have a food fight with her sister and threw rice all over the table, the floor, the wall, everywhere. I looked at the huge disaster and spoke out loud, "Please somebody shoot me now," and my son replied, "I can't. I don't have a gun." I was shocked and just looked at him thinking (to myself this time), 'I can't believe he took me literally'. My son thought I didn't understand him so he tried to clarify by saying, "I can't shoot you, I left my Power Rangers gun in New Jersey."