When Bed Hoppers Attack

To say I'm exhausted and tired of being a mom would be an understatement. I'm so tired of this 24/7-thankless-cleaning-mess-all-day job, I wish I could run away for a few days like Ashley Judd did in the "Ya Ya Sisterhood" movie and sleep in a hotel with no phone, no computer, no communication with the outside world. There is just always something to clean around here. Always. And I want to get away from it.

Yesterday, I did eight loads of laundry and washed the waterproof mattress pads and bedsheets for every bed in the house except the guest room bed. All because my youngest, who I now call The Bed Hopper, came into my room at 4 am and peed all over my bed. Under normal circumstances, this would not have warranted washing four beds, but of course, everything that happens to me seems to happen exponentially. In her attempt to find a drier place to sleep, she wound up leaving pee stains on every bed in the house, I think she even peed on her brother because he woke me up in the morning wondering why his clothes felt damp when he swears he didn't have an accident. The Bed Hopper didn't try to hide it at all, in fact, she confessed first thing in the morning saying, "Accidents happen. Can you give me a bubble bath?" I ended up having to give all three of them a bath because everyone had been tainted by The Bed Hopper's pee.

It took me all day to wash and change the beds, in addition to doing all the other laundry I had been procrastinating. I got done around 10 pm last night, watched Fantastic Four on DVD (the highlight of my day), and went to bed only to wake up to another round of chaos. It just doesn't end. Most of this morning was spent arguing with the kids about why they can't wear summer clothes to school anymore (because it's freezing outside, that's why!), dressing them, trying to make them eat at least a graham cracker before going to their 2-hour schools, and trying to find my damn cell phone. I didn't even notice my cell phone was missing until I got in the car to take the kids to school. I was so furious, we were already running late and now this. But I had to find my phone because I never drive without it. I finally found it under my bed after calling it five times and playing Follow the Ringtone around the house. Thank goodness the phone was switched to "ON" when it was lost.

Today, I'm just tired. I wanted to come here and write about something a little less whiney, but I just couldn't muster anything else. I hate that the kids don't nap anymore, and when I ask them to do something, like clean up the mess they just made, they act like they didn't even hear me. I could be yelling at them with a megaphone and they still wouldn't hear me. I have to repeat myself over and over again just to be heard. I'm trying hard to keep it together and "enjoy this time" like all the older mothers I run in to keep telling me, but I'm finding it hard to do when most of my day is spent cleaning up after them. One mess after another. The only reason I'm even enjoying this blissful moment to complain is because I'm letting the twins TP (toilet paper) the family room. And spread goldfish crackers all over the carpet. It's worth it though, because I figure vacuuming crackers and picking up tp shreds is a piece of cake compared to doing a mountain of laundry.

Would You Like Astroglide With That?

It's amazing how much useless, but interesting, trivia I've acquired by reading old magazines in the bathroom. My most recent find is discovering that the concoction known as Cool Whip, one of my favorite dessert toppings since childhood, is actually just one step up from eating condom lube. Gross, and here all this time I thought it was a version of real whipped cream. I've even eaten it on it's own right out of the box with a big spoon!

According to the article in the April 2007 issue of Wired magazine (yeah, the magazine's been sitting in the bathroom that long!) Cool Whip is nothing but air, water, and sugar, rolled in with wax (yummy!), and a lubricant called Polysorbate 60, better known as a sexual lubricant and a key ingredient in Astroglide.

What else is in there besides this? Here's a list of the main ingredients in Cool Whip, as detailed in the article:

Water

Natural and Artificial Flavorings (more artificial than natural, I'm guessing)

Corn Syrup and High-Fructose Corn Syrup (refined sugars guaranteed to make you fat)

Hydrogenated Coconut and Palm Kernel Oil (trans fats, not good for you)

Polysorbate 60 (hello astroglide)

Sodium Caseinate (a milk protein found in non-dairy creamers, not real cream)

Sorbitan Monostearate (sometimes used as a hemorrhoid cream)

Xanthan and Guar Gums (to keep it fluffy, like it was just whipped fresh when it really wasn't)


Umm, yeah. Aside from the water, not one ingredient on this list is something I'd like to consume on it's own, especially the hemorrhoid cream part. Ewww. I kind of regret having this newfound knowledge of Cool Whip, ignorance was bliss. Now that I know what it can double for, I'm going to have second thoughts before I ever make that "Pudding in a Cloud" recipe again. I think I'll just stick with Reddi Wip from now on. Even though Reddi Wip comes out of an aerosol can, at least it's made out of real cream.




photo credit: Thomas Hannich, Wired Magazine

A Rant about Abercrombie and Fitch

If there's one store I absolutely loathe at the mall, it's hands down Abercrombie and Fitch. What is up with this crazy store? The one in my mall has all the faux windows boarded up and darkened from all sides, and plays music so loud you'd think there was a night club in there. What irks me the most is the pictures of all the nekkid teenage boys wearing unbuttoned shirts (or no shirts at all) exposing their hairless chests. That just seems inappropriate on so many levels. And don't even get me started on those low-rise jeans the models barely wear, jeans hung so low, they looks like they're about to fall off. Can this store scream "gay teen pron" any louder?


I know alot of teens think this store, and it's bastard son Hollister, are the shiznit, but I for one think the clothes at A+F suck. Point blank, the jeans look like they've been shot at with a rifle and all the shirts are frayed and worn looking. The price they charge for these rags is ridiculous too. I mean, who in their right mind thinks a pair of jeans that look like this are worth $80 bucks? I could get two pairs of jeans for this price that are far better looking at American Eagle.







Update:

So I finally found out what that smell is inside the stores. I walked up to a humor tee-wearing cargo pant-clad coed at the store this weekend and just asked him, "Excuse me, what is this smell in the store?"

"It's fierce." he replied.

I didn't know whether this was an adjective or a noun. Fierce?


Afraid of appearing not in the know, I used a little tact and asked, "How can I make my house smell like this?"

He still looked at me a little weird, but pointed me to the right direction. Fierce, I discovered, is the name of their cologne for the hardcore A+F man. The sales pitch for it goes like this:

"FIERCE's scent is an immediate attention getter and rightly so. Its fresh citrus aroma is the first aspect she'll notice because of its clean, poised attitude. However, it's FIERCE's warm musky subtleness that will naturally draw her curiosity because of its seductive nature."

Seductive? Yeah, right. It makes me wanna hurl.

The Budda Call

This is a video you just have to hear. Priceless.

Drama at the Bus Stop

Sometimes you don't need to go looking for drama. Sometimes, it comes straight to you, at about 30 mph in a blue Mercedes. Yup, it's time to talk about my freaky neighbor again, Mrs. Gellar.

Get this, it was 80 degrees outside and humid when I was waiting at the bus stop this morning with my kids, Ross, Ross's nanny, and a few other moms and children from the neighborhood. I had dressed my son in just a t-shirt and jeans, appropriate clothing for weather like this. Most of the other children were wearing similar clothing, but not Ross. Poor guy was wearing a t-shirt, a sweater vest, and another long sleeved t-shirt over the sweater vest, with corduroy pants. Alot of clothes for a day that was only going to get hotter, don't you think?

Before I go on, to make a long story short, I got to know Ross and his nanny really well over the summer. I found out that the poor old lady is working as a live-in nanny to avoid being a burden to her children, and Ross is actually a pretty nice kid. We, meaning me and the nanny, often have playdates in my backyard when Mrs. Gellar is at work. Secretive, yes, but it's all good, and the kids have become great friends.

Anyway, I asked the nanny why Ross was wearing so many layers, isn't he going to get overheated?

She told me that his mother demands he wear all these layers to school everyday, because she's always cold herself. (I think my new nickname for Mrs. Gellar is going to be "Ice Queen" from now on.) The nanny said that she's actually thankful that the Ice Queen allows her to dress Ross in layers, because Ross can take the layers off once he gets to school. But he has to put them all on before he gets on the bus to go home, because if his mother happens to be home and catches him without his layers, he's toast and the nanny gets an earful.

Anyway, next thing you know Ice Queen is speeding down the road towards the bus stop in her blue Mercedes. The nanny sighs and says, "Oh, no!"

Ice Queen pulls up to the curb and yells to Ross, "Ross, get over here! NOW!!!"

The nanny replies, "Madam, I put his spring jacket in his backpack because..."

"You stay out of this!" the Ice Queen shouted, as Ross started walking towards the car. Make that running towards the car.

Ice Queen opened the door, and then THREW a winter coat at him!

"Wear it!" she screamed, and then sped off around the corner.

I couldn't believe what I had just seen. All the other mothers couldn't believe it either. The nanny shook her head and said, "This is what I have to put up with everyday, she's just temperamental." I think the word 'temperamental' was a little too kind. I believe the term 'fucking nuts' would be a little more accurate.

The other moms and I asked Ross if he was okay, and he said, "Yes, my mom just wanted to give me my jacket," after which the nanny ushered him to keep the jacket on until he got on the bus, because the Ice Queen was known to take a drive around the block and come back to check if he was still wearing it. This was obviously not the first time she had done this, as I learned from the other moms, but since I'm a newbie to the neighborhood bus stop scene, it was new to me.

Lucky for Ross, the bus arrived before Ice Queen did, and he got on with my son and the other children to the safety of school. As I walked back home with the nanny, I lent her an ear while she told me about how hard it is to be a nanny at her age, but she has no choice. She wants to be independent in her old age and doesn't want to have to live with her kids, or in a nursing home. But, she gets paid well to take the abuse, so she's dealing with it.

Cut to..... the screeching sound of a car behind the corner. Ice Queen was back! The nanny scurried home to face the music while I went back into the house with the twins. I was running as if I was the one in trouble, but it was actually the poor old nanny. All for trying to keep her little charge from overheating in the humidity.

I know no mother is perfect and we've all wigged out on our kids at some point (or several times a week) but in public, at the bus stop, where the entire neighborhood is watching? All because you wanted your kid to wear a winter coat in 80 degree weather? I don't even think PMS could justify that.

So Hot for Fall, the Bebe Trench

I saw this trench over at Bebe a few weeks ago, and regret not purchasing it when I had the chance. They were having a special sale on it for $98, but as usual, I spent too much time contemplating the purchase and missed out on the deal. The main reason I was ambivalent about getting this was because I didn't think I would wear it much, or it would be too hard to maintain. I mean, my everyday clothes are more of the "machine washable" variety like jeans and t-shirts. Where exactly would I go wearing a trench and jeans outfit like this? A playdate? The park? Uh, no. That's not exactly how I roll.

But it's so cute, and of course, now I can think of nothing else but owning this. This will always come in handy to wear on those days I need to look a little more polished but have no idea what to wear. It's such a simple outfit to put together, and I like how it looks both dressy and casual at the same time.

The trenches at Bebe comes in several varieties, such as pleated, double-breasted, etc.. but I personally like this style shown here, because it's single-breasted. If you're top heavy like me, stick with the single breasted trenches like this, they're more slimming and minimize your bozangas. This Belted Trench, and others like it, are currently available at Bebe for $129.

I have seen the Anti-Christ and his name is Muno!

My kids are crazy for this new show Yo Gabba Gabba, and I've gotta admit, I really like it too. The music is hip and my kids love dancing along to the songs. At times, the show reminds me slightly of a Hampshire College rave from the 90's, but I won't tell my kids that just yet.

However, there is one character on this show I find particularly creepy: the red cyclops named Muno. Why? Because I believe he is a symbol of the occult.



Just look at him. Doesn't he just scream "OMEN"? He's red, like the devil, and he's got one eye in the middle of his forehead, just like the "dajjal"/anti-christ is theoretically supposed to have. And then there's the name of this character itself, "Muno". Did you know Muno is a city in Belgium notorious for the Castle of Darkness, where demonic rituals against children are reported to have taken place? (Google it for yourself, if you want to get freaked out.) Seriously, I didn't even know about this whole Castle of Darkness shit until I googled the words "Muno is the anti-christ", and well....what do ya know, Castle of Darkness and devil worship links appeared, further confirming my suspicion that this freaky red cyclops is indeed the anti-christ personified.

I know it sounds silly and conspiracy theor-ish, but the similarities between the Yo Gabba Gabba "Muno" and the symbols of the occult appear too close for comfort. Especially that eye of his, it's eerily similar to the notorius "all-seeing" eye of Satan printed on the back of every U.S. dollar bill, you know, the one hovering over the pyramid announcing the "Birth of the New World Order". It's beyond creepy.

photo via funnygarbage.com