Yesterday I sent my husband a text message that had a list of things I needed him to pick up on his way home. Within that list was maxi pads, but I specified for him which kind by writing "Always Ultra Plus". (Note to Reader: If you feel you might be offended by talk of maxi pads and words like "wings" and "maximum protection", just stop reading now and click out. Yes.....I'm about to go there..... now.)
My husband and I have been married for eight years and to this day, this one little task has him breaking out in sweats. It's that "Please, I'll do anything but that!" kind of sweat. I normally buy my pads myself and try to buy several packs at once to avoid having to buy them for a couple months, but every once in a while, I'll run out of them and need some when I absolutely have no time to get to the store, with all the kids in tow.
So after I sent him the text message, I get a call back from him. I knew it was coming. He said he's fine with the requests for eggs and paper towels, but why maxi pads? We had gone to the grocery store as a family just the night before, why didn't I get them then? The answer, of course, was because I forgot. Sorry, but I really needed them. Today.
So later on yesterday at around 5:30 pm, while I was trying to update my blog and give August Sunshine something better to look at than a picture of Lindsay the Clown Whore, I get a call from the husband.
Him: "Um, yeah, I'm here at Walgreens and they don't have Always Ultra Plus."
Me: "What do you mean? They always have Always Ultra Plus."
Him: "No, they only have Always Fresh Maxi. I even asked the lady that works here where to find Always Ultra Plus, and she said this is all they have. So I'm getting you the Fresh Maxi."
Me: "No wait! Does it have wings? Is it the Super or Regular? I need Super with wings."
Him: (sighing in frustration) "Why didn't you just get these yesterday, I hate buying this stuff!"
Me: "I know, I forgot, but look at the shelf, do you see a little green package?"
Him: "They're all blue, no wait.....there's a green package that says Always Ultra Thin."
Me: "Yes! That's the one I want. Does it have wings and a picture of a diamond on it?"
Him: (Without him uttering a word, I can hear him thinking OMG!) "What?! No, it just says Ultra Thin, I don't know if it has wings. There's too many kinds of pads here, (he starts reading what he sees to me) Regular, Overnight, Maximum Protection, Lightdays.......I don't know what you want."
(By this time, I can totally see him getting confused and frustrated in front of the myriad display of feminine hygiene products. The fun was over, now I had to help him get out of there before he passed out.)
Me: "Look, what I really need is an Always package that says "Super" and "Wings" on it."
Him: (after a pause) "I found it, but it says "Flexi-Wings" is that okay?"
Him: "And it's a blue package, is that okay?"
Him: "Okay. I'm coming home now."
And that was the end of the conversation. He ended up bringing me a decent box of pads, Always Super with Flexi-Wings. I prefer the Ultra Thin kind, and I'm sure it was there in the store, but I felt bad for the guy and didn't want to torture him anymore. But I must say, if you ever want to test your man's loyalty towards you, this is the way to do it. Make him buy pads for you. When a man is willing to overcome his greatest fear and buy you maxi pads, that's love.