Tabu's New Mystery Man

It isn't often that I get exclusive scoop on a Bollywood celebrity, but now that I've got it, I've just got to share.

I recently learned from a friend, whose friend is friends with Tabu, that Tabu is currently dating an Italian-American guy in New York City. They met while she was in town filming Mira Nair's The Namesake, a film in which she plays Kal Penn's mother. The pair are really close and she seems really happy with him. My friend actually met Tabu a few weeks ago and said she's a great girl and really down to earth, but she chain smokes like mad. No other word on who the mystery guy is or what he does for a living, but best of luck to Tabu. But she really should lay off those cigs. The girl's got pretty skin and the cigarettes are just going to ruin it.

More Shit from TomKat

Until now, the craziest thing TomKat had done was expressing a desire to eat Suri's placenta. But this next stunt tops them all. They have actually bronzed Suri's first poop. No shit. The bronzed turd is going to be on display in a museum in Brooklyn next week on September 8th, so if you are in the area you might be able to see this piece of shit first hand. For the rest of us that can't make the trip, this is what the sculpture looks like.




If you stare at it long enough, it begins to look like a baby cobra with its tail cut off.

The Odd Couple

So US Weekly says these two are dating. I don't think it's true. Aside from these two looking completely wrong with each other, John Mayer doesn't exactly fit Jessica's "type". Her type is usually tall, lean, and muscular with lots of spikey hair . I think the only reason this slut is hooking up with a dorky guy like John is because her career is going down the drain and she needs the publicity. For all we know, her Pimp Daddy Joe probably arranged the whole 'Public Affair' himself.

Crash Test Dummy

Hey everyone, I know it's been a while since I've updated but I have several excuses of why I've been absent from the blog.

It all started last Wednesday when I noticed my son had burst a blood vessel in his eye. It looked like his eye was bleeding internally, yet he felt no pain and no itching from it. I observed him through breakfast, and he was acting completely normal, eating and playing like he does everyday. Still, just to be safe, I called his pediatrician, who said I had to bring him in immediately to make sure he didn't accidentally scratch his cornea. So off we went, in our new SUV (we traded in the bug mobile for an SUV, more on this later), to the pediatrician's office. The doctor said my son should be fine, that he might have bumped into something or maybe one of his sisters accidentaly hit his eye, but the eye would heal on its own within a few days. Cornea was saved, but my son was told to be careful of falling on his face and not to rough house with his sisters. Next stop, McDonald's for lunch.

Everyone ordered a Happy Meal simply to pull the toy out and play with it. I had to remind them they were there to eat lunch and it was going to be nap time once we got home. My son scarfed down his nuggets meal with no problem, but the girls had to be coaxed to eat something. If you've ever been to McDonald's with three kids who think it's more fun to run around the place and fight over who has the best toy rather than eat, you know it can take a toll on you mentally. By the time I pulled into my driveway, I was tired and ready for a nap myself. Even though we had only been out for about 3 hours, it felt like I was out all day. As I pulled into the driveway, I slowed down to admire my neighbor's new landscaping. She has such a knack for gardening and had planted some new flowers this month. "Wow," I thought, "What pretty flowers," and then suddenly.....

CRASH!

While I was admiring my neighbor's flowers like a drunken bufoon, I hadn't realized I had ruined the angle at which I was entering my pint-sized, new construction garage. I crashed the right passenger side of our new SUV into the side of the garage. "Oh no!", I thought, "the husband is going to freak!" We just got the new SUV a few weeks ago and already I had crashed it. When I reversed to pull out of the garage and correct my entrance angle, I managed to pull the bracket that the wheels of our garage door travel on to open and close the door out of the wall! The bracket had gotten stuck with the mudflap over the right tire, and I reversed with such force, the bracket didn't hold a chance.

I was in huge trouble. My son was delighted in the backseat saying, "Wow Mama, you crashed the car just like the crash test dummies in the BMW dvd."

I managed to bring the car into the garage and close the garage door. When you looked along the bottom of it, it looked like it was closed at an angle and not flush with the floor, but I hoped the husband wouldn't notice. While I was putting the kids down for a nap, I decided I would break the news to the husband in an e-mail rather than tell him over the phone.

As I composed the e-mail, the husband called my cell. My son saw the caller id and said, "It's Abu!" and grabbed my phone. "No! Don't answer it!" I begged him, but it was too late. My son answered the phone and says, "Abu, today Mama did a BIG CRASH with the car..."

I grabbed the phone from him before he could say anymore. My husband asked what R. was talking about and I said, "Oh, I accidentally hit his big wheel in the driveway, nothing happened," and for the time being he bought it. I decided to abort the e-mail confession. I managed to make it through dinner without the husband noticing the lopsided garage door and had already dreamed up a plan to hire a handyman to fix the garage door bracket while my husband was at work. The car wasn't visibly damaged so I wasn't even worried about that. Only when you looked really hard, you could see the mudflap was dislodged and not flush with the car. But the truth had to come out when I decided to leave for the gym that night after dinner and the garage door wouldn't close. The wheel had fallen out of the bracket and I couldn't push it back in. I was busted and had no choice but to confess.

So I went back inside the house and did what I do best, I started to cry. Husband asked what was wrong, and I said I was soooo sorry, but I was tired and the flowers were so pretty I got distracted and I accidentally crashed the car into the garage and now, the garage door won't close and is broken. His concern was more for the car, but he went outside to check out the damage for himself. He was angry but as he started work on fixing the garage door he calmed down. The next day, he took the SUV to a shady mechanic who would fix the car for him for $3,000 less than the dealer would (total damage was $4,000 according to the dealer, but the shady guy would fix it for a grand).

So the car is fixed now and so is the garage. And I swear the crying really helped because it was hard for him to yell at me for being irresponsible while I was crying. I was genuinely sorry too. Saturday morning we got our car back, and my husband said, "Okay, it's fixed, but the mechanic said not to look at the neighbhor's flowers when you are pulling into the driveway." And the husband has also requested that I not attempt to park the car inside the garage anymore. He doesn't want to take anymore risks. It's fine with me, I hate the garage. I think these new construction cardboard houses really jip people with space where they need them most. Small bedrooms, small garages, what ever happend to the old country style houses I grew up in, the kind that had a garage so big you could park a boat in it? When my husband and I were looking for a new house two years ago, the old 70's style home we wanted needed a huge amount of work, as in complete bathroom remodel and a complete update into the year 2000. This house we live in now is about 10 years old and needed only a paint job, but I hate the size of the rooms and the especially hate the garage. I want a garage that is wide enough to accomodate a minivan without worrying about brushing against the sides of the wall. I want the whole family to be able to get out of the car while inside the garage without having to be careful of hitting the wall with the opening of the car door.

Not only that, this weekend we found out all the towel rods and toilet paper holders are falling out of the wall. I'm not saying we would have fared much better with the fixer upper 70's house we were looking at, but you would think if a house is relatively new, it would at least hold up a little better. There are times I think K.Hov builds their houses out of cardboard.

Other than that, I've been busy with family visiting from out of town. We've been attending a wedding here that has had several pre-wedding parties with a grand finale that is to happen this weekend. One of the parties I went to was a "Dholki" Friday night. In the South Asian culture, this is the night were women get together and sing wedding songs while someone plays a drum ("dholki") and another girl bangs a spoon on that drum. It's almost like live karoake, except you provide the background music yourself and everyone sings at the same time. It was one of the lamest dholkis I have been to in a while. The girls were nice, a few were super excited to be there and sing a song with everyone, but it was their choice of songs that drove me crazy. Jai Jai Jive Shankar, Daffli Wala, they were busting out all the oldies. It's freakin' 2006, why do some girls still think they need to sing the songs they sung when their aunts were getting married in 1979? Or before most of them were even born? I don't know, but I didn't suggest any new songs because I didn't want to cause any trouble. These girls loved their oldies, who was I to burst their time bubble?

I'm just the girl who crashes into garages while admiring flowers. The irony of all of this is that before this happened, I was ready to come here and blog about how my son wanted to be a BMW crash test dummy when he grows up. Because he likes their costumes and they get to crash in a BMW and it looks like so much fun to him. And now, he wants to be a carpenter. I'm glad I was able to show him the dangers of being a crash test dummy and help change his future career goal without pressuring him too much.

Star Secrets to be rolled out as Star Confessions

I can't believe Loreal went back on their word. I e-mailed them a few months ago about when the Star Secrets line would be rolled out in the U.S. , and I received a very curt e-mail from them saying there were no plans to introduce the line in the United States. Then yesterday, I pick up this month's copy of Allure, and there, on page 82, is a little quip that talks about how Loreal's Star Confessions lipsticks (they changed the name slightly) are going to be a hot new item for fall beauty. Was rolling the line out in the U.S. a last minute decision? I guess I'll never know the answer to that. But what I do know from sampling the Aishwarya Beige and Eva Longoria shades from this line is that the lipsticks are absolutely not worth it. Test a few shades on your hand to see for yourself. The colors are now available wherever Loreal lipsticks are sold, and retail for about $8.50.

More Toilet Humour

source

This picture was just too hilarious not to share! I don't think you need to know Arabic to figure out the message here. That goofy grin is simply priceless.

How To Use a Public Ladies Room 101

I continue to be amazed at how badly some women abuse public toilets. I did a little Google search to see if there was some "how to" guide on the net that could teach the bathroom impaired how to use a public toilet in America and leave it clean for the next person, and all I came up with was an article that explained The Art of Hover-Pissing (don't worry, the link is clean). This doesn't help matters much because I think half the problem in the public toilets is caused by hover pissers. There are very few women who have perfected this art of hovering over a toilet to pee, and there are even fewer women who actually clean the seat after they are done ruining it for the rest of us.

I personally don't believe in hover-pissing. If this is what you intend to do when you go to the ladies room, I think you should proceed towards the exit of the building and go squat behind the bushes outside. There really is no difference. When you hover-piss in a public toilet, chances are you are going to get the pee everywhere except where it belongs, in the toilet bowl, so please just stop doing this.

Short of starting a grassroots movement of WAHP (Women Against Hover-Pissing), I have decided to take it upon myself and write a "how to guide" of using a public toilet. Don't fear the toilet seat ladies, a recent 20/20 report revealed that the toilet seat is actually the cleanest part of the bathroom after the sink. There are more germs on your cubicle's desktop than there are on that seat. Most public bathroom facilities in office buildings and malls have a janitorial staff that cleans the bathroom everyday, and if we all just followed the bathroom etiquette rules I propose below, we could all enjoy a more pleasant and cleaner bathroom experience outside our homes. Especially those of us who are germaphobic and frequent the facilities with little children in tow.


Basic Guide to Using a Ladies Room


Step 1: Enter stall and close the door behind you. Hang your purse on the hook or place on a purse shelf (if provided). If there is no hook or shelf, hang it in the top corner crack of the bathroom door where the door meets the stall. The 20/20 report I linked above said the dirtiest part of a public bathroom is the floor, and you don't want to carry home the entire world's fecal mess on your handbag.

Step 2: Line the toilet seat with a seat liner. If no seat liner is available, use toilet paper. Use a long strip to cover the right and left side of the seat and a small one to cover the middle area in the front of the seat. Now you are ready to SIT DOWN and do your business.

Step 3: Clean yourself up and throw all the toilet paper in the toilet, not on the floor. Sanitary Napkins should be rolled in toilet paper and placed in the trash bin, not in the toilet.

Step 4: If you have made a mess on the seat despite having a liner, be kind and wipe it up with toilet paper. Throw the toilet paper in the toilet, not on the floor.

Step 5: Flush the toilet. If you are too afraid to touch the handle, use toilet paper as a barrier. Otherwise, use your foot to depress the flush handle. Over time, after you have gotten into the practice of flushing the toilet with your foot, you will notice an increase in your balance and agility.

We're not done yet.......

Step 6: After you have flushed and made sure the seat is just as clean as you found it, and is clean for the next person who will need to use the bathroom, slide your bag over your arm and proceed to the sink to wash your hands. And no, a two second rinse with water doesn't count. I request that you use soap and water and lather up your hands and rinse them under the water until all the soap is gone and your hands are clean. Dry your hands with the paper towels. The hot air blow dryer for your hands is unnecessary for germphobes, they redeposit germified bathroom air onto your hands. If you have happend upon a place that does not have soap, reach into your purse and use an antibacterial hand sanitizer. If you are a hardcore germphobe, you probably carry a travel size of these things with you at all times anyway.

Step 7: Use the paper towel you dried your hands with or the bottom of your shirt lapel to open the door handle to exit the bathroom. I know the 20/20 report said it is okay to touch the handle commando, but I continue to see hoards of women walk out of toilets without stopping at the sink to wash their hands. Or if they do stop at the sink, it's to rinse their hands under the water for two seconds and they don't use soap. It's so gross. So stay protected and use a paper towel to open that door!


Well, that's it girls. Seven steps to a cleaner bathroom experience. Because in the words of the great Samuel L. Jackson, enough is enough. I have had it with the motherfucking piss on the motherfucking toilet seats.